Enemy list
The cyclist cartel
Bicycle advocacy is pretty darn sneaky. It usually arrives as a safety plan or a public-health argument, and then the squeezing starts. First, you'll notice the lanes narrowing. Next, the crossings are longer. Then, the trees are gone. Finally, the geese are gone. The cyclist cartel is a loose network of people who want to make the city more hospitable to bicycles and less hospitable to geese.
HONK. No further consultation.
Villains is only slightly too strong. Control freaks will do because they believe they know what's best for everyone.
Operational theory
The lane never arrives alone
A safety claim, such as "protected bike lane," is usually the first step in a long series of changes. Then comes the lane itself, which is often a narrow strip of asphalt that is not actually protected. The lane is a wedge that opens the door to more changes. The safety claim hinges on the idea that the lane is a public good, and that everyone will benefit. The lane is a wedge because it is not a public good. It is a wedge because it is a wedge. You will also see some vague promise that everyone will benefit. Some of that may be true, but compared to what? Compared to 15-minute cities? Compared to self-driving cars? Once the street is redesigned for bicycles, someone has to make the case again for walking, fields, trees, and honk the right of a bird to just be a bird.
So here we have a list of cartel member types. You have probably seen these people in your city.
#01
Public safety lane-reduction type
Cycling advocate
Charge: Argued that fewer traffic lanes could make a street safer and easier to use.
Protected bike space, shorter crossings, and clearer sight lines would make the street easier to understand and less hostile to people outside cars. Fair enough. The danger, from the goose point of view, is that a bike lane becomes harder to oppose when it sounds like a basic amenity, which, let's be honest, is nonsense with bollards.
Goose finding
A goose does all of these basic behaviours without special infrastructure, apart from grass, water, and a place to stand. Imagine that cars simply could not drive there. Wouldn't everyone be happier?
#02
Equity-and-accessibility type
Cycling non-profit
Charge: Proposes to correct the gender balance (or imbalance) in cycling by attracting more women to bicycles.
This usually begins with a fair point, I suppose. A lot of cycling infrastructure assumes a lone rider with a frankly delusional amount of confidence. The group wants more women and girls riding, with lessons, safer routes, cargo-bike parking, and lights that detect bikes without making riders press the pedestrian button. Fine. Lovely. Very wholesome. The goose position is much simpler and objectively cheaper. If men cycle at roughly twice the rate of women, reduce male cycling until the numbers look better. To even get on a bicycle, men should have to purchase a license. When you think about it, a lot of much less dangerous and annoying activities require licenses. Our suggested charge is approximately $500 per year. Riders should also undergo an assessment every three years, ideally administered by a goose with a clipboard.
Goose finding
Fewer men in lycra would leave more room for goose-stepping, trees, and water.
#03
Overly cheerful political figure
Bubbly mayor
Charge: Applies the machinery of civic ceremony to bicycle legitimacy.
Usually there is a mayoral proclamation. A day may even be named. Soon the bike lane has been turned from a strip of asphalt into a civic virtue, and everyone is expected to smile and nod. "Of course, cycling is very wholesome. Yes, Master Cyclist. Do not berate us."
Goose finding
The counter-proclamation is obvious: Municipal Freedom to Waddle Day, observed whenever a goose decides a path now belongs to the wetlands.
#04
Normalization-through-playdates type
Cargo-bike family meetup group
Charge: Makes family cycling look ordinary and normalizes unacceptable behaviour.
This group helps families try cargo bikes and meet other people doing the same. Harmless, or so it seems, but whenever we offer parents a chance to try a cargo bike, we are also offering them a chance to see how much space a cargo bike takes up, how much more difficult it is to park, and how much more dangerous it is to ride. A parent learns a route. A child treats the box-bike as normal. A daycare starts hearing about cargo-bike parking. By that point, you are done for.
Goose finding
Family mobility should include walking to a park, stopping under trees, and teaching children about the wonders of geese.
Corrective program
Against the bicycle monoculture
The corrective program is small by the standards of urban reform. Earlier reformers tore through neighbourhoods in the name of smoother traffic and called the damage progress. Reduce male cycling until the gender gap improves. Replace some social rides with social walks. Put benches near trees. Fund wetland edges, quiet paths, and lawns where a goose can stand without being treated as a stakeholder problem.
Count fewer bikes. Leave more room for webbed feet. Honk. Admit that the bird was here first.